Since I’ve been waking up at 04.30 to create, I’ve been able to reach my core feelings. Without all the consumption that happens during a regular day, I’m able to produce in a very raw way.
It was my mom’s first visit back at the oncologist after finishing radiation. I didn’t know how much her “everything went okay” message affected me. This was meant to be a happy, celebration page (see the little pic of my mom smiling really hard). Instead, it brought up very raw part of me (and that crazy happy pic printed out as one that looks like she is crying really hard). We know that we’re all temporary, but it’s so kak when you realise just how temporary a loved one is. When life shouts the reminder that someone has the ability to die, whether it’s by that someone having cancer, or by someone in hospital for a very simple procedure like kidney stones, you hear it right in your core. You’re reminded of how you’re already living with pain because of someone else’s temporary nature ending.
You write words on a page and they echo louder than their black ink allows.
But since I’m always looking for an upside, I create one for myself.
That’s the worst part about living. But it’s a privilege loving someone so much that when they leave it hurts. There’s something really special about how someone can affect you that much. That someone can mean that much to you. In its own way, that’s what those gold paint smears are showing. You could see that as the fact that they’re gone. Or you could see it in that they’re still there, highlighted. They’ll always be in your heart and you are the one in whom they live on in. When people die, they don’t leave. Instead of being outside and inside you, now they’re just inside.
And so I hold onto that. And that I’m lucky enough that they allowed me to love them enough to carry a little piece of them.
Get Messy is an art journal challenge where a gang of crafty vixens are sharing art journal pages we have created to practise our skills and push past our creative limits with hopes to inspire. We share our pages without restraint every week, and once a month we create around a prompt. Go check out these crazy talented ladies who are creating pages who each have a unique perspective and style. We will be sharing our work around social media so follow the hashtag #getmessyartjourna