Caylee Grey
Fairy art mother


How I went from lazy and passive to deliberate and goal-driven. My Story.

I used to be what I will graciously call passive.

I had (and have) a really good life. I was born into a self-made wealthy family. Every bit of my life (and the lives of my ancestors) was put together so that I could live an easy life. My parents did this weird thing where they actually loved each other. They loved me too. My sister was amazing. My friends were amazing. None of us did drugs. School came easy to me. Everything came easy to me. Life was easy, and because of this, I just let life do its thing. I allowed the mother of my high school boyfriend to fill in a university application for me and I went there simply because I got in. I didn’t put any thought into what degree I was going to do, it was chosen based on what I didn’t want to do. I found my group of incredible friends within my first week of being in a new city at university because we were the only English speakers in the residence. I even met my future husband while playing around on my computer.

Life was good, and it was certainly good enough.

And then a few things started creeping from the cracks that I had ignored. I grew into the biggest depression of my life. I didn’t fall into it; I wasn’t smacked in the face by it; I allowed myself, little by little, to grow into something simply because I didn’t make an effort not to. I didn’t go to the psychologist, I didn’t force myself out of bed right when the feelings started, I didn’t learn coping strategies. I simply allowed it to consume me. I welcomed it like an old blanket and hid in its cosy fort. In my second year of university, I had a breakdown. I can distinctly remember the exact moment that I curled on the floor in a university residence shower and cried. I can still smell the shampoo.

My depression lasted for a year. In this time, I destroyed myself. I went onto medication, and I went off it without the required weaning. I went to absolutely zero university classes. I ignored my friends. I fought with my family. I became friends with the wrong people. The wrong person. I slept past my feelings. I ate my feelings. I dyed my hair for the first time so that I wouldn’t look like myself. I stopped contact with my best friend (future husband). I drank in the middle of the day because I had heard that’s how people coped – it didn’t work and that stopped. I cried. A lot. And even that was a passive cry. I spent a lot of time in the bath. I became a shell. I allowed myself to break.

I was broken.

And then the bricks that my family, friends, and future husband had been building for me while I was too weak to do so myself started forming a foundation. Then a house. And I could stop living in my depression blanket fort and move in there. I allowed myself to be looked after. And after 365 days of the worst year of my life, with the work of people who surprisingly still loved me, it left me.

Looking back, that was The Sign.

The years that followed saw me magically get my degree. Long distance date my eventual husband. Move in with the guy. Move twelve times. Go through a bunch of smaller depressions. Find a corporate job thanks to a family friend’s contact. Get married.

And then my husband, T, had a job offer that involved a year in my favourite country in the world. This job offer wasn’t handed to him or given to him by default. They thought of him because he had won the student competition with the company. I had been around when he was working towards this competition. It was held in his last year of studies. It was in addition to his crazy engineering workload. He and his team spent nights in the labs on this project. When I say nights, I mean, until 5am when he’d nap for an hour and then go to class. I mean that this happened more than once. I was waiting for him in his dorm room during one of my visits. I never saw him. I played Sims in his freezing dorm room and made a little T Sim to hang out with. He and his group actively worked on this project for so long and so hard, and there was no doubt that they’d win. They won a stack of money for the university and a trip to see the company in Germany. I joked that based on all the time I had put into not seeing him, I also deserved a trip to Germany.

I got my trip to Germany. And with it, everything changed.

(Part Two)


  • I don’t really know what to say other than that I can’t wait to read more. Right now I find myself more on the “passive” side but I don’t want to be there anymore. But whenever I muster up some courage/energy/whatever to change sth., it doesn’t last for long because I just feel generally exhausted and without drive.
    It feels as though I have taken the passenger seat in my life and am waiting for the right moment to take over the wheel again.. I really hope that with having passed my final exam, some of my energy, drive (and joy) will come back and I will have time and energy to finally think about what will come afterwards. Because right now I just don’t know and I also can’t concentrate to think about what could.. I just feel so drained, joyless(?) and overall sad.. and I don’t want to anymore.

    So, long story short, I can’t wait to read more about how you changed because your drive and dedication always inspire me!


    26 Oct 2015
  • Kaisa

    This. Is. Me. This post is so real. Everything came so easy to me growing up and now I am learning how to actively control my life. It is hard. I’m really looking forward to your future posts.

    26 Oct 2015
  • actively controling your life is one of the hardest things to do.
    I’m still learning.
    and failing sometimes.
    Some days are better then others..

    26 Oct 2015
  • Add in a mother that tried to solve every minor bump in the road that I should have tackled myself (and I say that in the most loving way), and this is totally me.
    I’m slowly learning to wonder what it is that I want, and how to take control of things. It’s a three steps forward, two steps back kind of cha cha… but like dancing, the process itself can be fun. At least, that’s what I tell myself.

    C, I can’t wait to read more. I love your personal posts, there’s an honesty an realness in them that I’ve never seen anywere else.

    26 Oct 2015
  • You are brave. And I can’t wait to see what you have to say with this series and with the e-course.

    26 Oct 2015
  • It’s a very interesting and catching story so far. I can relate to a few “steps” of your past and can’t wait to read more about your story. Especially because I am feeling passive right now and want to become active.

    27 Oct 2015
  • Thanks for sharing.

    27 Oct 2015

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